Parenting: A paradigm shift

No other topic on the earth could generate a tsunami of opinion, arguments, stance as the topic of parenting, given the emotion and values attached to it. Questioning any decision on the right parenting has the potential to open never-ending debates, while the opinions can change stride as the plot thickens.

When I compare today’s parenting to that of ours, say a generation ago, I see a sea change. The way parenting was imparted on us, versus the way we impart on to the next generation is entirely different. Being raised in a patriarchal family structure, embedded with rigid value systems, beliefs, ideologies, our life decisions were largely influenced by elders, without the preferred independence we would have wanted or been aware of. Many a times, career decisions were taken much against our wishes and much to the creed of our parent and extended family’s competence on the topic. The Bollywood movie “Three idiots” was a clear example of this mess reasoned in our generation. Digging deeper, the parents were also quite nonchalant and oftentimes oblivious of the psycho-social behavior of their children, coming out of adolescence. Needless to mention, the peer pressure to achieve academic, non-academic excellence was at its helm. An advice of wisdom with compassion of a friend was almost missing from the parents, as the kids were considered as a property to be invested in, without the rights to exercise self-assessment. This generation of kids also suffered the melancholic attitude of their parents that extended even to the Indian marriage system. The reflections were enormous on all of the above accounts, when kids were asked to psychologically compete with their counterparts in the western world, where children of such ages were exercising rather a stress-free life, less controlled by parents, unless otherwise called for.

In retrospect, we could probably excuse such behavioral disposition of our parents to their lack of competence on specific parenting areas or alleged inaccessibility to inputs drawing importance (of parental involvement) in the psychological and social wellbeing of children; I feel and would have appreciated, had they personally come closer and check on our mental status to make us feel more inclusive. This perhaps never crossed the mind of majority of parents in that cohort, who kind of used to get into irrational exuberance in academic accomplishments of their kids in the social gatherings; that was used to pamper their ego regarding their upbringing skills but ultimately denigrating the fellow child rather terribly! If the whole scenario is observed from their perspectives, without being judgmental, I tend to draw some optimism. This is due to the fact that despite the parents being insouciant to our emotional wellbeing and having the expectation from us to be exceptional and not run-of the mills; they prepared us for our future, to become self-sufficient and become what we are today. We must thank them for that.

Now, when I look around, I find the situations to be improving, filling up the gaps partly because we as a generation are becoming more aware of our kids’ needs; thanks to the plethora of research and life hacks on parenting, emerging technologies to make parenting easy and above all the initiatives on the part of the parents to better understand their kids by trying to fit themselves in their shoes. It may be an offshoot of the guilt consciousness that the parents feel for not being able to give enough time to their kids in this alleged “digitally-connected” and “Emotionally-fragmented” era that they try giving a perspective to their kids’ situations and help them overcome any kind of trauma or anxiety that they might be undergoing. Of course, we get biased in our judgement, when it comes to situations that needs serious and independent introspections. But world is colorful not black and white, so its ok to get derided with the perceptions about people and things. What is important is to give a quality time to the kids, sharing their joy and sorrow, being compassionate to their feelings and giving them a sense of belongingness so that they won’t sideline your importance growing further. This would certainly reduce the teenager anxieties, trauma, emotional outburst leading to suicidal tendencies. Even though selective, kids will still be compelled to share their secrets, problems to a large extent with their family. It is important to remember that it is an investment we make towards our future, much larger and a riskier one, compared to the earned money put in risky funds.

If we make our choices wise and right, the dividends are probably an Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerburg or Bill Gates or even a Sunder Pichai, Kalpana Chawla, a Ratan Tata. I read somewhere that some institutions in US are teaching the children how to become billionaires by impounding management lessons quite early on, than becoming inventors, socialists, creative musician, artists or performers! To me personally, it is counterproductive since nudging kids beyond their realistic potential can do more harm than good. Hope, we become more sensible, conscious and take decisions that is healthy in terms of societal benefits still helping us personally.

Happy parenting to all my friends J

Thanks J for all the editing advice.